An Open Letter to the Stuebenville Rape Victim

Dear sweet, brave, strong girl,

I don't know if you will ever read this letter, because based on the hateful, disgusting things that people have been posting online, I wouldn't blame you if you would want to avoid the internet forever. But just in case you're out there, there are some things you should know.

You are a hero. You had the courage to stand up for yourself, defend yourself, and speak out even when there were so many people against you. Because of you, those two disgusting scumbags are being punished, and you should be proud. You did what you felt was right for you.

You did nothing wrong. Young people drink. Young people party. Sometimes we have too much and pass out. But that never, ever gives anyone a right to assault someone who's drunk or unconscious. Your bravery has opened up a discussion about rape that will likely encourage victims to acknowledge their assaults, and also reduce the amount of assaults committed.

You don't owe anything to anyone. Sweet girl, I wish I could give you a giant hug and feed you lots of tasty junk food while we sat on the couch and watched stupid comedies. I wish I could give you something that could help you to heal. I know you're probably heartbroken, desolate, depressed, scared, and anxious. I know that you're probably having panic attacks and crying yourself to sleep at night. You are perfectly entitled to feel that way and to do whatever it is you need to do that will allow you to heal. I just want you to know that there are millions of girls and women all over the world who believe in you, support you, and want to see you become the best that you can be.

You're an amazing, beautiful, incredible person, and you're so much more than what happened to you. Those worthless, degenerate pigs who hurt you are in for a world of pain. They made the decision to hurt you, and they deserve every nasty thing that is coming their way. But you... you have the opportunity now to heal. It may take a while, and no one is telling you that you have to get over it immediately. Take as long as you want and do whatever you need. In the end, you are the one who has triumphed, and you need to know that. You have an incredible amount of strength inside of you to put those disgusting scumbags away, and now you can use that strength to become even more powerful.

You are not alone. There are millions of women and girls just like you who understand what you've been through. We're all here for you and we want you to know that we love you. We want to thank you for your bravery, your maturity, and your determination. We will fight for you.

There is a Little Bit of Liza in All of Us

Liza photographed by Andy Warhol in 1977.

Well, perhaps not all of us. Some of you soulless bastards (by which I mean straight men) could never come close to reaching the fabulousity and adorableness of Ms. Minnelli. However, I think we could all learn a thing or two from her, both in her personal life and her career path. Has she made some mistakes? Yes, and his name was David Gest. But, like any strong, successful woman, Liza has learned from her mistakes, and her spotlight still shines bright today, 50 years since she first stepped into the spotlight.

With Judy Garland for a mother and director Vincente Minnelli for a father, it's not surprising that Liza went into the entertainment business. What is surprising, though, is how adeptly she managed to take control of her own career and be recognized on her own terms. Instead of riding on the coattails of her famous parents, she chose to forge her own path. That's not to say that Liza didn't benefit from her lineage, and neither did she shun the opportunities that were given to her because of who her mother was. It's just that she never tried to be another Judy Garland. She was just Liza Minnelli.

Her best known role is that of Sally Bowles in the 1972 film adaption of the successful Bob Fosse production Cabaret. In order to prepare for her role as Sally, Liza has stated that she studied famous dark-haired vixens of the period, such as Louise Glaum and Louise Brooks. She also did all her own hair and makeup for the film. I find this to be quite an inspired touch that adds to the realism of the character. As a struggling cabaret singer, Sally wouldn't have anyone to apply makeup for her, nor would she know how to apply it properly. In the film, she sports gaudy blue eyeshadow, exaggerated eyelashes, and bright red lipstick. She's pretty, of course, but also completely believable as a naive, overly enthusiastic amateur.
Furthermore, she instills a sense of likability and pathos in a character that is quite difficult to play. Sally, as she is written, may come off as something of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (and an untalented one at that), but Liza plays her with both vulnerability and an awkward, slapdash sexuality that makes her more than just a vessel for a man's desires and search for inspiration.

The character, and Liza' s performance, have both become incredibly iconic, inspiring several tributes over the years, including my own Halloween costume in 2011. Liza won a Best Actress Academy Award for her performance in Cabaret, and in her acceptance speech she simply said, "Thank you for giving me this award".  That speech was an acknowledgement that she had received the Oscar not because she was well-connected in the business and not because the Academy wanted to pay tribute to her recently deceased mother (who died in 1969). She earned that Oscar on her own merits.

Liza's success in Cabaret was followed with another success, her live stage show, Liza With a Z, which I think should be required viewing for any aspiring young performer. Liza With a Z is remarkable because it showcases an iconic female performer at the top of her game who does everything on her own terms. The show is glitzy, glamourous, and celebrates Liza like the queen that she is, and at no time does she pander to the male gaze or engage in false modesty. She's Liza!

In the '70s she performed as Velma Kelly in the original Broadway run of Chicago, and she also appeared in and performed the title song for Martin Scorcese's 1977 film New York, New York.

Her most memorable role of recent years has been her turn as Lucille Austero on Arrested Development, a self-deprecating turn in which she plays a glamourous rich widower suffering from vertigo who still manages to seduce men more than half her age. She will be reprising this role in the upcoming renewed season of Arrested Development as well as in the feature film, to be released this year. As a fan, I look forward to seeing Liza up on the big screen again, and I know she will have something fabulous to wear to the premiere.

My Top Ten Favourite Simpsons Episodes

1. A Streetcar Named Marge

While this episode may not be everyone's first choice, I've always found it hilarious and touching, especially for an episode centered around Marge, who is usually the straight man of the show. As with most episodes that deal with Homer and Marge's marriage, it's rather bittersweet. I'm assuming that anyone reading this is familiar with the plot of any Classic Simpsons-era episode, so I'll refrain from summarizing the plot. However, I will say that the arc of this episode is a rare insight into Marge's sad little life and troubled, repressed psyche. Her life as a housewife is far from intellectually or artistically stimulating, and her idea of "branching out" is to audition for a hokey community theatre production. Homer is a complete asshole to her about it, and she channels her pent-up frustrations in her performance of Blanche DuBois. By the end of the episode, Homer has acknowledged that he's been neglectful of Marge's feelings. He doesn't promise to change, nor does he show any particular insight into her frustrations. It's quite sad, really. 

Aside from that, though, the writers manage to pull off an epically scathing parody of every shitty community theatre production ever, as well as musicals in general. The opening number of "Oh! Streetcar" is perhaps one of the greatest moments in the show's history. From the hilariously cutting lyrics to the needless exposition, to the giant Superdome prop that exists only to illustrate a single rhyming couplet, it's a masterpiece of parody. 

Also worth mentioning is the inspired B-plot involving Maggie which both parodies The Great Escape and skewers Ayn Rand. 

2. Last Exit to Springfield

Many have argued that "Last Exit to Springfield" is the greatest Simpsons episode ever, and I would be hard-pressed to disagree with them. In fact, I believe that if a Simpsons movie had been made in the 90s as originally planned, "Last Exit" would make the perfect feature film. I love this episode because it shows a side of Homer that is sorely lacking in recent episodes: his compassionate side and his love for his family. His motivation to lead the strike? His love for Lisa and his desire to see her get the best dental care possible.

What makes this episode truly great is its spot-on parodies of pop cultural motifs. Specifically, the spoof of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", the "Yellow Submarine" dream sequence, and the ending, where everyone laughs collectively over a stupid pun (reminiscent of every lame '70s sitcom ever.)

3. Homer's Barbershop Quartet

As a Beatles fan, it's no wonder that this episode is among my very favourites. Of course, everyone knows that this episode is one big tribute to the Beatles and their relatively short rise and fall- but what really gets me is how nuanced the Beatles tributes are. There are, of course, easily-identifiable references to Abbey Road, "Revolution 9", and the merchandising boon that was Beatlemania. What makes this episode truly enjoyable for a Beatles aficionado is the subtle and obscure references to their career and personal lives.

"Wiggum forever, Barney never!" is a reference to a real chant from the Beatles' early days at the Cavern Club when they replaced their first drummer Pete Best with Ringo Starr. The fans chanted "Pete Best forever, Ringo never!", but as we all know, Ringo won over the Cavern Club crowd much in the same way that Barney won over the patrons of Moe's Tavern. 

The episode is nostalgic and warm without being overly fawning towards the Beatles, and manages to get a few jabs in here and there. Every time I watch it, I manage to find another hidden reference that the writers stuck in.

4. Cape Feare

Although it helps to be familiar with the film Cape Fear to get all of the jokes in this episode, it isn't necessary in order to enjoy it. I loved this episode as a kid long before I had seen the movie or had any idea what the show was referencing. Regardless, I believe "Cape Feare" to be some of the finest television ever broadcast. It's a fantastic piece of writing, animation, editing, and voice acting and an all-around gem.

What I really love about "Cape Feare" isn't the all-around plot so much as some of its excellent throwaway gags and one-liners. Every time I see Santa's Little Helper tied up at the dock, swimming around in a circle, I bust a gut laughing, and the "Homer Thompson" routine never, ever, gets old. Ditto for the "Sideshow Bob steps on rakes" scene, which is often cut in syndication, losing most of its appeal. This episode is perfectly paced and full of plenty of action and excitement. It's fast-moving, features the incredible voice talents of Kelsey Grammer (who, as time goes on, seems to resemble Sideshow Bob much more than Fraiser Crane, personality-wise), and, most incredibly of all,  includes an amazing and hilarious tribute to Gilbert and Sullivan- hardly typical fare for a primetime Fox comedy in the 1990s. I'm trying my absolute best not to just parrot my favourite lines from these episodes, but I JUST have to say- "BARTYOUWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?"

5. Lisa's Wedding

Unsurprisingly, I'm quite a big Lisa fan. What can I say? For a little growing up in the '90s as a bookish outcast, she was a role model for me. She made me feel like I wasn't alone in the world. As a 22-year-old today, I still relate to her in almost every way, and this episode speaks volumes to me.

Lisa fell in love with Hugh because he represented to her, the intellectual elitism that she had been idealizing and chasing her entire life. He was charming, British, and respected her for her brains. And yet, he revealed his true colours when he refused to even humour poor Homer, who was, after all, doing his very best to welcome Hugh into the family. 

Love can be so incredibly painful, especially for people like Lisa and me, who grew up insecure and unsure of our place in the world. When someone comes along and assures you that you've been right all along, that you really are better than everyone else, it can be thrilling... for a while. After some time, you realize that as much as you disparage your roots, they still made you what you are today, and you can't turn your back on them.

I guess this is one of those episodes that I like more for the emotional resonance than the jokes and gags. Lisa episodes tend to strike a very melancholy chord with me, for although they suggest that Lisa will eventually find a better life beyond Evergreen Terrace, they also give the impression that she will always be an outsider and just a tad dissatisfied.

6. King-Size Homer

This is probably the only Homer-centric episode on the list. I don't want to seem as if I don't like Homer. He's a great character who manages to be sympathetic even when his motives (as in this particular episode) are rather selfish. I think this is probably because Homer, as a character, though he may be buffoonish and slightly ill-mannered, still has an intrinsic human characteristic that a great many of us share: the desire to be liked and accepted. In the hands of less skilled writers, "King-Size Homer" could turn into one long, cruel fat joke. Instead, it turns into a treatise on both acceptance of others and pride in oneself. The episode also includes some of my favourite jokes, including Homer's ineptitude with a home computer, and Ralph's classic, "I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant." 

7. Lisa's Substitute

Another Lisa episode! And this one with Dustin Hoffman, one of my celebrity crushes (it's those Semitic good looks). As a Lisa fan, I find her episodes are most often the most emotionally poignant, and I enjoy the way the show explores her relationship with Homer. "Lisa's Substitute" is an episode about a schoolgirl crush (and I can certainly relate to that) but it is also an episode about a father and daughter struggling to relate to each other (I can relate to that too). 

While the show's writers often use Lisa as a mouthpiece to spout liberal rhetoric, I find her most compelling and effective when she acts like an eight-year-old girl. For although she has intellect far beyond her years, she also has the naiveté and enthusiasm of the young girl that she is. Her adorable crush on Mr. Bergstrom, her embarrassment over her father, and her eagerness to prove herself are all typical traits of a child her age. 

The episode ends on a bittersweet note, again with the suggestion that there is a better life for Lisa, but also again with the knowledge that she still has a long way to go. You know, the more I think about it the more I reckon I'll have to devote an entire post to Lisa as a character. She's so relatable and sympathetic to me. 

8. Rosebud

"Oooh, a head bag. Those are chock full of... heady goodness."

That quote is just one of many reasons to love "Rosebud".  Although the episode is ostensibly a parody of Orson Welles' classic Citizen Kane, like "Cape Feare", you needn't have watched the movie to enjoy the episode, because it's more than just a parody. Like Citizen Kane, it's a commentary on capitalism, ruthlessness, and the drive to succeed that makes us neglect the things in life that make us more happy than money ever could.

Mr. Burns is, at times, an over-the-top caricature of megalomaniac villains, so it's nice to see his human side once in a while, as in this episode. Although he's put Homer, the family, his employees, and the citizens of Springfield through some hellish bullshit, he still manages to evoke a tiny bit of sympathy in this episode. Perhaps because Mr. Burns is an example of the American dream taken to extremes. He's only done what society has drilled into our heads as the ultimate accomplishment- become filthy stinking rich. And, like William Hearst (who Citizen Kane was based upon) or his modern-day equivalent Donald Trump, he's become a shell of a man, unhappy in the very thing that he believed would finally bring him satisfaction.

Aside from the social commentary, this episode also has some brilliant one-liners and sight gags, including the very final scene set in the future featuring Mr. Burns as a preserved head in a jar, which Matt Groening cites as his inspiration for Futurama.

It's hard to say anything about "Rosebud" that hasn't already been said better at snpp.com or in a Popular Culture Studies term paper, but the episode stands as a golden moment for the Simpsons and television in general.

9. Marge Vs. The Monorail

You know how some people still mourn Heath Ledger's death and watch all his movies on the anniversary of his passing? And upload gifsets to Tumblr with profound quotes? That's how I feel about Phil Hartman.

"Marge vs. The Monorail" is a fantastic episode all around, but what makes it truly great is Phil Hartman's inspired performance as old-fashioned shyster Lyle Lanley. In a plot clearly heavily influenced by The Music Man, Lanley convinces the townspeople of Springfield to build a monorail with a surplus of money they've recent;y come into. This being the Simpsons, of course, his intentions are far from honourable and he builds a slipshod monorail, planning to run off with the profits. I'm sure you've all seen this episode so there's no need to go into what happens. But this episode blends the humanistic comedy that the Simpsons became famous for with the wacky plots that they would later be defined by. Some of the humour in this episode is just so out-there- (the guest appearance by Leonard Nimoy, the "scientist" that Marge meets)- that it comes as no surprise that this episode was penned by Conan O'Brien, who at the time was just a promising young upstart.

"Marge vs. The Monorail" is a perfect distillation of everything that's great about Golden Age-era Simpsons. If you know somebody who has yet to be introduced to the series, I recommend this episode.

10. Krusty Gets Kancelled

I have a huge fascination with fame and stardom, so this episode makes my top ten list not only because of the numerous celebrity cameos, but also because of the way it serves as a biting satire on flash-in-the-pan celebrities like Gabbo and longtime showbusiness schmucks like Krusty.

Krusty the Klown is an unusual character because he represents not only bored, tired children's entertainers of yore, but also classic superstars and their seemingly neverending careers. This episode in particular seemed to follow the Elvis Presley model. Like Elvis, Krusty was pushed aside for newer, hipper acts, became depressed and overweight, but managed to make a comeback with a huge, well-received TV special (the episode even references Elvis' '68 Comeback Special almost directly when we see Krusty's name lit up behind him in huge lights).

Of course, I'm also totally on board for all the great celebrity guest stars, in particular Elizabeth Taylor, whose cameo was short but sweet and surprisingly self-deprecating, and Bette Midler, whose cameo makes me want to shout "I'll get you for this Midlerrrrrrrrr!" every time I see her anywhere else.

All in all, this episode is the perfect send-up of what it means to be a celebrity constantly clawing their way up back to the top. Later-season episodes pander to the celebrity guest stars so much more than this episode did, and it's refreshing to see huge stars like The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Luke Perry (well, huge at the time) take the piss out of themselves.

The Perverse Appeal of Lana Del Rey

On the heels of my post about Betty Draper, I'd like to devote some time to full-time singing sensation/part-time daddy fetishist Lana Del Rey.

Lana is certainly a polarizing figure, and her persona inspires both rabid devotion and utter repulsion. She's been branded as weak, boring, and anti-feminist due to the content of her lyrics and music videos. I can definitely see where people are coming from with that argument, but I think it's important to understand that Elizabeth Grant the musician and Lana Del Rey the performer are two different people. Much like Alice Cooper or Donna Summer, Del Rey has adopted an image and persona that is more about performance art and characterization than confessional songwriting.

Elizabeth Grant has constructed and concocted a very clever, very interesting character with her Lana Del Rey persona. She frequently alludes to Nabokov's Lolita (in highly unsettling, romanticized terms) and classic Americana figures like Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe. Her video for "National Anthem", in particular, explores the trope of the "American dream" by re-creating the lives of John F. Kennedy and wife Jackie in a lurid celebration of money and excess.

Lana Del Rey's obsession with nostalgia and the dark side of the American dream makes her one of the few retro-inspired starlets who goes beyond aesthetics and actually examines the social and historical context behind her inspirations. She doesn't just dress like Priscilla Presley- she also explores Priscilla's mindset and assumes the role of a young girl who gave up her whole life and changed her image to be with an older, famous, successful man.

You could compare her to Adele, who has a decidedly retro feel in both her musical style and aesthetic, similar to that of '60s chanteuse Dusty Springfield, but is well known for penning her own lyrics and speaking about her relationships in a way that evokes more empowered female singers, like Alanis Morissette. Del Rey, on the other hand, adheres completely to her dark Stepford Wife/Lolita image, both sartorially and lyrically.

She's making a statement about the fetishization of days gone by and sickly-sweet nostalgia, forcing us to look at the dark core behind the appealing retro aesthetic. It's certainly not for everyone, but I find her fascinating.

Give Betty Draper Some Respect

If you are a member of the Mad Men fandom, you're no doubt aware that Betty, Don's first wife, is by far the most polarizing character on the entire series. But why, though? Although Betty is a deeply flawed individual- childish, petulant, and self-absorbed -she's no worse than Don, Pete Campbell, or any of the other male characters on the series. And despite her glacial exterior, she shows a great deal of depth.

I first want to address the complaint that I most often hear about Betty, which is that she's useless. "She's just a housewife," you say "and she doesn't even really raise her kids". The part about raising her kids, that's true. There's no denying that Betty's a shitty mother. But that's probably because she never wanted or intended to be one.

Consider Betty's history before she met Don. She was a well-brought-up young woman, and educated too. They didn't just hand out archeology degrees to young women back in the 1950s, you know. As a college graduate, Betty would have had to have fought tooth and nail against her male colleagues to get even a fraction of the respect she deserved from her professors.

And then you have her modelling career, which is how she met Don. She lived an incredibly glamourous life, travelling around the world, modelling haute couture, and hobnobbing with important people.

It's no surprise, then, that Dick Whitman was attracted to her, for she represented everything that he fetishized about America. Young, beautiful, accomplished, and well-to-do, Betty is the perfect Nordic model of the perfect American woman.

And yet.

Her marriage to Don completely sucked the life out of Betty. Everything that made her interesting and unique, like her degree, modelling career, and ability to speak Italian, was rendered completely useless in her life with Don Draper. Stuck inside a house all day, raising two kids that she never wanted by a husband who won't even let her wear a bikini... is it any wonder that Betty became bitter and cynical. And then, to find out that the man she gave up her entire life for was vicariously screwing around on her? Can you imagine how heartbreaking that must have been?

Betty is so sad that she confides in creepy nine-year-old Glen. That's how fucking miserable her life is.

Of course, there was no way that Betty could have gone back to her previous life after she got her divorce from Don, so she did the only logical thing to do, which was to remarry. But she was dissatisfied in that life, too, because as a woman in her 30s with two children... well, that's all she really is to anyone else.  Women today can't relate to that, because we can re-start our careers well into our thirties, go back to school, and become new people. But for women in the 1960s, that just wasn't an option.

The problem with judging Betty for her selfishness and poor parenting skills is that it assumes that she has access to resources and information which could help her become a better person, but she doesn't. She doesn't have a reliable parental figure, she doesn't have any real friends, and even her psychiatrist from Season One was reporting back to her husband.

I think a lot of people saw Betty's potential at the beginning of the series and wanted her to cast of the shackles of the patriarchy, pick up a copy of The Feminine Mystique, and become liberated. But the truth is, that wasn't a reality for most women in Betty's situation during that time period. They had to soldier through life without much to hope for or to believe in except for what their mothers taught them about husbands and housekeeping and child-rearing. Betty didn't have the luck or the ambition that Peggy and Joan had. She may have dug her own grave, but the patriarchy threw her in.